Many Ways To Consume Alcohol

Soaked Tampon

Hats off to the inventive teens who pioneered ingesting alcohol in this most peculiar way. And then someone needs to shake them terribly hard and ask them what the hell they were thinking. Don't do this. Just. Please. Don't.

Ass Chugging

"Similar to a beer bong, but the consumption of beer is rectally [sic], using a funnel and tube to administer the beer as an enema. The primary purpose of butt chugging as opposed to drinking beer is that alcohol administered as an enema has 3x the effect of alcohol taken orally."

This is the alcoholic's equivalent of chasing heroin from a strip of tin foil. Not only will you black out instantly, you'll also scorch your insides with alcohol. And not just any of your insides—we're talking about your rectum.

Alcohol-Infused Whipped Cream

The company describes their product as "whipahol." Let's just pause on that word for a moment.

Now think about what this would be like to consume. It contains no dairy. It's not supposed to be refrigerated. This is stupid on levels that demands federal regulation. We need whipahol prohibition.

There's a tiny voice echoing around the room saying, "You're better off doing whippets." But remember: the tiny voice said it, not us.

Body Shots

Would you eat off most girls you meet at a bar? Of course not. However, the allure of sucking a shot out of a cutie's navel is strong. Resist it. For the love of everything, resist.

Bonging

Bonging anything is stupid. "Yeah, braw, I count my drinks in terms of building storys: I only bong high-rises." Liquor bonging is buying a first class ticket on the black-out choo-choo and then laying your body across the tracks. This is how people wake up in their cars, too afraid to check the grill for the blood of unfortunate pedestrians.

Eyeball Chugging

People tell you not to drink bootleg liquor because it could blind you if it hasn't been distilled properly. This is the fun way to get straight to that point. It's also just another way to get booze into your system faster while simultaneously burning the most delicate parts of your body. Genius.

Jello Shots

Jello shots are akin to getting a handjob at a middle school dance. Fun, but ultimately a little painful. And just dripping with shame.

Keg Stands

Even in college this is stupid. Stop lying to yourself. The hands around your ankles, the swallowing with your head below your heart—this isn't fun. Or cool. You hate this. Because we all hate this

Shotgunning

The binge drinker's staple, shotgunning beers may prove your capacity for speed drinking, but it also makes you look like a moron. Just like the guys in that photo. Ask yourself: "Do you want to stand calf-deep in the river of shame, wearing those sunglasses?"

Snorting

There are a few inherent dangers to snorting vodka. First, you'll burn your sinuses. Second, you're quickly set up for rapid blackout. Still interested? Oh, you mean you still want to do it because of that photo of Prince Henry enjoying it? All right, g'head.

Tiramisu -- Easily the highest calorie to lowest alcohol ratio you'll find, though it's technically possible to catch a buzz from eating rum-infused desserts. On the other hand, you might be more full than drunk after you eat an entire cake.

Upside down margarita -- This trick is best performed when your participating bar or party has access to a barber's chair, but in a pinch, a simple folding chair will do. The gist is that the pourer mixes the margarita right in the drinker's mouth. It's an inexact science, and involves a lot of swirling and wild gesticulation. Unless you're in Cancun, one experience with the upside margarita should hold you for years, if not for a lifetime.

Vodka in watermelon -- Fruit is really absorbent, so if the JELL-O shots and tiramisu just whet your appetite for eating booze, you can try this picnic favorite. Just cut a hole at the top of a watermelon and jam a bottle of vodka up in there. Eventually, all that distilled goodness with soak into your fruit, leaving it ready for any summertime family-friendly occasion.

Edward 40 Hands -- This gimmick barely makes the list, as it's technically the same as drinking out of a bottle. Best suited for Halloween, though festive any time of the year, a buddy duct tapes a 40-oz. bottle of malt liquor to each of a drinker's hands. The idea is to wrap them tightly enough that the drinker can't do anything with his appendages until the bottles are consumed. Juvenile? Yes. Hilarious? Most definitely.

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